Looking back at my life from an adult perspective, I have been dealing with some serious mental issues my entire life, I was just never diagnosed. That's the funny thing about modern and western medicine – they only heal you when they know you are sick, but if you have no physical symptoms and have never actively gone to the doctor to take care of them, you could be living with them your entire life without even knowing. If you never had access to a phycology book, you may even find yourself living an entire life without any knowledge of these illnesses you are suffering from or how to treat them properly.
I, for example, have never been to a physiologist and have therefore never been diagnosed for any of my conditions, but I do have conditions, we all do, they are just not as bad for me as they are for others.When I studied for my BA in University I also took a number of physiology courses which has given me a basic understanding of how we all work and all introduced me to the vast world of physiological disorders. I of course immediately set out to find which disorders I had and found out that I had many, I just never knew it. You see, I was clever enough to hide them my entire life without alarming any adults or making them think I needed help. I was always "ok", so no one sent me to get help but truly, no one really knew what was going on in that head of mine beside me, and is was not good at all.
The reason I am talking about this subject is a trail of thought I have been dealing with, ever since I saw the TV show "13 reasons why" last week. The show is about a girl who is bullied and ends up killing herself for so apparent reason, or at least not a good enough reason to take her own life, but she does and the shows discuss the various reasons that lead her to do so. I still don't think the reasons they came up with were god enough to justify suicide, but the show did remind me of my time in highschool and the disorders I developed from that time, just because I never talked to anyone about it.
The main disorder is an obsessive compulsive disorder which seems to be the most popular one in today's modern world. You see, if you show just a few symptoms that may match the criteria, they will rush you to the first shrink they can find to try and make you better, but if the disorder comes to light only in thought and not action, you are most likely to skip the diagnosis and just learn to deal with it, like I did. I have been obsessive ever since I can remember, but only now do I realize what an impact that has had on my life. In my case, it's my thought that is obsessive. If I am fixated on a thought and can drive myself crazy thinking about it 24 hours a day. With me, it was triggered by me sexuality and boys in high school – every little incident was blown in my mind out of proportion, every look, every word said my way, every rumor that was running around school about my behavior, they were all taking control of my life and I did not have the tools to stop them.
But I thought that was how everyone is, so I never asked for help or assistance, I never tried to treat it as I never knew there was anything that needed to be treated. The lack of education, the disinterest from teachers and my parents, my clever mind who always made me look like I was "ok", these things lead to my mistreatment and probably years of personal torment. I never learned how to just let go, no one ever bothered to teach me, which is how I became an obsessive human being.
What I am trying to say is that many of tools we use to deal with our life are not the best of even the right tools, which is why many of us are finding it really help to heal old wounds that we are carrying with us since forever. The way we built our world of thought is mostly wrong yet we continue to feed our minds with false beliefs that make us feel better about who we are, but they don't last long and most of us find ourselves depressed again, quicker than before.
Learning to let go is an important lesson that no one bothered to teach me or that poor girl in the TV show who ended up slitting her wrists in the bathtub, all alone in the world. The things she was dealing with were (mainly) regular high school things, rumours and kids play that seem innocent from the side but if a young girl does not have the right tools to deal with this so-called regular high school behaviour, how do we expect her to get past it and learn the important lessons of life she is supposed to? People talk about other people, they always have and always will but we need to take the time to teach them how to deal with it, how to take small things proportionally and not blow up every small event into a disaster that eventually leads us to take our own life.
When you are in high school these small things may indeed seem like the end of the world, but looking back, we know that they are not. In fact, they are so small in the scale of life that most of us don't even remember them. So why aren't we teaching this to our children? Why are we letting them live in a world where it is ok to make a big deal out of small little things like gossip or social popularity? I for one took this dramatization into my adult life after no one bothered to teach me otherwise and have suffered from it deeply to this day. It has affected all aspects of my life, and only now, looking back, I can acknowledge that it started in high school, from the exact same Hannah Baker decided to eventually end her life – I made small occurrences blow up into these major life changing events and have been doing so ever since.